Friday, April 23, 2010

..To Hurt...

When a child spirals into darkness, it is tragic. Childhood should be full of life, love, wonder. Something inside you changes when you've been robbed of that. I began struggling with depression and guilt as well as a cocktail of other emotional issues at such a young age.

For my 8th birthday I had a sleep-over at my house. New Kids on The Block were popular. I had the t-shirt, the sleeping bag and the cassette. Even that was tarnished for me. It was a t-shirt with all their photos on it. Hand-prints and screened-on signatures adorned the back. It was my favorite thing to wear.

I didn't think he'd be home that day. He was gone on a 2 week hunting trip and shouldn't be back until the following weekend. Something happened and he came home a week early. She went to nap. He said he'd be there in a minute. I knew what this meant. I found myself trembling on the corner of the couch while he moved my clothes away. This had happened before, many times, however the feelings I felt only grew stronger, darker, more pronounced. This time was different. He didn't stop like the other times. He exposed himself to me. Frightened as a child, I did not understand. He said he needed a kiss. Terrified as I was, something inside me at that moment and I was NOT going to kiss his I bit him instead and grabbed his testicles and pulled. He jumped back and bent over to me on the couch and said "Don't tell your mom about this. She has a gun. She'll shoot us both." He turned and walked off. Moments later I heard them having sex. All I could do is scream and cry and scrub every inch of my body. I was so dirty.

No comments: