...Though Present Always..

I would finally have the birth I always wanted! I attended a birth center for all prenatal care with our youngest child. I had become such an advocate for natural child-rearing that having birth with no interventions shook me to my core with excitement and contentedness. No needless interventions, no medications and a very private event were of the utmost importance to me concerning this labor.

We agreed on girl names almost instantly. This was the first clue. When discussing issues about having a male child, we never agreed. Of course, we should have been prepared when the news came. Boy it is. We were having a son. Girls were easy; I knew how to mother girls. Boys, on the other hand, I knew nothing.

I began diligent research about how to raise a good man, just like my husband. Men were still slightly terrifying to me. What if I failed him? What if I smothered him? What if he hated me?

Not long after the declaration of gender we began discussing the issue of circumcision. I was against it, he was for it. I did as much studying about it as I could, and asked as many other mothers who had experience that were available. The majority were for it. I viewed photos of how the process worked, but could never click "play" on any of the videos available to me.

Having a birth center birth with a midwife made this decision a little more difficult. I would be staying at the center only 12 hours postpartum. No doctors, unless medically necessary, would be available for circumcision until he was home. This decision would be one of the first we would make in his lifetime that would either affect him positive or negatively. How could we decide this for him, when he was unable to tell us what he wanted? These are the moments, as parents, where making those difficult decisions for your children can either leave you with the feeling of guilt or the feeling of accomplishment; sometimes, no matter what you decide, you will feel both.